Translation

Looking for a flat in London town can be quite a task. Thankfully, I've been able to create a translation guide for advertisements which has saved me some time in the search. If you ever need it, here are some key phrases you should keep in mind:

• Spacious = If you were a midget, you would have ample room to walk around.


• Very cheap!!! = If you’re really an idiot, maybe that phrase will convince you my overpriced flat is a steal.


• Recently renovated = Compared to how old the monarchy is in England, yes, renovations done in 1910 were very recent.


• Double bedroom = As opposed to a single bedroom, this one is the actual size of a double bed.


• A must see! = My favorite movie is “Snakes on a Plane”, thus providing clear evidence that my taste is impeccable, so you should trust my opinion and see my flat.


• Stone’s throw from public transport = If you threw a stone in a giant catapult, then yes, it’s a stone’s throw away.


• Garden view = There are a few weeds growing between the slabs of the concrete sidewalk out front.


• Stunning = You’ll really want to vomit when you see how nasty our carpeting is.


• Reception area = Typically this 2 foot-wide area is conveniently located between the front door and the kitchen. Some might also refer to this as a hallway.


• Neutral décor = To the colorblind, this place is a classy black and white.


• Modern = I bought the couch in the 1970s from Ikea!


• Tiled bathroom with a sink and shower, kitchen comes with a fridge, oven and four burners. Bedrooms each have a window. = There are really no highlights at all that differentiate my place, so I’ll waste space listing a few standard items.
• I live out of town, so a viewing this in person will be difficult = I’m actually a Nigerian just trying to scam you out of money.

*Note: Picture is from an actual posing for a "lovely open-plan studio flat" (picture is taken from the kitchen). Yikes. City living is different from the suburbs, that's for sure.