Photogenic

Watch out ANTM (America's Next Top Model) prospective contestants because after the recruiters see this collage of face shots, your chances of beating me in the next season are OVER.

Ok, maybe not. So maybe this post is dedicated to the fact that I think I'm completely unphotogenic. There's the random shot where I'm like, yeah, I like alright. For the most part, I loathe having my picture taken.

My solution: always make a stupid face when someone takes a picture of you.

I realized this might be a bit of a problem since I was asked by a co-worker a couple weeks ago to give her a head shot for my bio in a proposal. Hum. An appropriate head shot for a business context. Is it weird that it took me quite a while to find one, and even then it was a picture that was 5 years old?

Whatever. At least I've got one. But for those of you who also hate pictures, below is a collage of inspirational poses so you can purposely look like an idiot (instead of trying to look nice and hating the result).

Face shot examples:

Inspiration behind each shot:

If you have more ideas, please add them in the comments! I can already tell I'm missing the quizzical brow scrunch with puckered lip look and the lower-lip-bite-nose-scrunch-hard-core-rocker face.

What do you do when you have no friends???

You do things by yourself!

Not that I would know...I mean, I'm kind of a big deal. People know me. I have many leather-bound books.

But, there is the occasional situation where you don't have a partner in crime (aka my first 3 months in London). Solution: get comfortable doing things on your own, like:

• Going to Saturday markets. While others might mingle, taste things, buy stuff and chat with their buddies you can meander about, then leave awkwardly after about 5 minutes.
• Go to the movies. Nothing hides your solo status better than a dark theater, right? Actually, you'd be wrong. I went to see Star Wars, and some dude literally called me out as I was looking for my seat, "Hey! Are you all alone?" Turns out he was trying to be nice and invited me to join with his friends. Yea....thanks for that.
• Hop on a bus, take a day trip to Oxford (pictures below), and go to a concert by yourself. Why not? I did. I saw Temper Trap on September 19th in a little venue: pretty fun. I even sold a spare ticket to a couple of guys and hung out with them at a pub before the show while they got a little drunk. Bet that sounds like an ideal evening for a Mormon :)

I LOVE this red ivy:

Just outside of the scope of this picture on the left, there was a couple cuddling, along with a lone man who was clearly not with them sitting very strangely close to the pair. I may be a loner, but I take solace in the fact I'm not that socially weird. I tried to snap an inconspicuous shot, but it was in vain.

MUSE

Things I highly recommend:

1. Seeing Muse Live
2. Seeing Muse Live in London
3. Seeing Muse Live in London with General Admission seats
4. Seeing Muse Live in London with General Admission seats, and being 4 people away from the stage center (see pic below)

Things I don't highly recommend:

1. Seeing Muse Live in London with General Admission seats if you are (a) claustrophobic (b) mind getting pummeled by fellow fans (c) don't like the idea of being drenched head to toe in sweat (yours and especially other folk's sweat)
2. Standing behind a large guy who jumps on top of your feet all night
3. Getting your uninsured iPhone stolen from your front pocket at the Muse concert which will cost you about $500 to replace

Pic from iPhone (about an hour before it was stolen):

Picture of my bruised feet a full WEEK after the concert (lots and lots of jumping up there in the front):

A long clip from their set that night; if you look close I bet you can see the butt head who was stole a bunch of people's phones...

PS Anyone interested in seeing them in Wembley stadium September 2010? My friend and I together have a dozen tickets :)

Virtual Slap in the Face

Sometimes technology helps us communicate. A lot of times it helps us avoid each other. And most the time, even the best forms of communication lead to miscommunication or problems...Like when you send an email or text to the wrong person. Yeah, we've all been there.

Anyway, I know you won't believe me when I say this, because it's a "my friend" story which usually means it happened to the person telling the story, but really, I have a friend which encountered the following: several flirtatious texts back and forth to a person of interest were sent. Said female friend sent one implying a date...and the responder didn't respond. For a full day.

If that's not a virtual slap in the face, I'm not sure what is. As is usual, I find a graph best describes ones feelings in said situation:Note: Thankfully said conversation has been smoothed over and a lunch date has been promised. But man, that kind of stuff shouldn't be part of the game 'cause that's just emotional torture.

When in Rome...

I went to Rome, and it was fabulous. I ate a lot of gelato, saw a lot of attractive men.

I also had to pay about $10 for a TINY, single-use tube of sunscreen since the airport security confiscated mine. I wish there was a way I could stick it back to the man [the man being all those tourist "friendly" places who rip you off with riiidiculous prices], but alas, I have no power. I hate being at their mercy...

All in all, I’d recommend the place :D

Since I am way to lazy to upload the massive amount of pictures again, check out the album here: http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2303272&id=17806915&l=a634213265

Halloween. Boom.

Green shirt, green tights, little boys "Boom" briefs + cardboard covered in foil + several hours of shopping and construction = Priceless Halloween costume

I [proudly] present my [amazing] Halloween costume for 2009. Continuing my [impressive] tradition of homemade outfits, my friend Monica and I [creatively] constructed Mrs. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle outfits. I went as Mrs. Rafael. Kowabunga dude!

Yes, Monica and I did get dressed at my office an take the tube to the partay:

[Note: subliminal messaging may have been used to impress the reader even more with the hilarity of my costume]

Wales. Booyah.

I went hiking in Snowdonia in Wales. It’s a mountain range. We hiked across Grib Coch. We named it the cradle of death.

I’m afraid of heights. It was scary.

At the top of the ridge, after rock climbing to get there (literally rock climbing up--I don't have pics of this part but I swear it was straight up), this is how I was moving (except even slower):

You’d be holding onto dear life too. I was too pansy to carry a camera, so here are some pictures the others took. Fortunately you couldn’t see the 3,000 foot drop on either side at the top since it was foggy. Bless you, fog.

The crew:

The view:
Another view:

View #3

Kate climbing up towards the ridge:

A bum shot of me climbing up to the ridge:
Beginning of the ridge:

I'm not prejudice against the disabled, but com'on....

I’m pretty settled in my place now, but realized I never blogged about my move along with my “differently-abled” moving man I hired.

I’d bought some furniture from a classified ad, and also hired a “man with a van” service to transport said furniture. When I met my mover at the house to pick up the stuff, the aforementioned “man with a van” stepped out of the van, along with his one leg and set of crutches. Yes, he was a one-legged mover. I’m not kidding.



Thanks the kind stranger walking by my flat later on who helped me unload my furniture.

Welcome to the city that never sleeps

I think I've realized why people never sleep in large cities: because they are infested with mice thus creating frightening nightmares when one does attempt to get some shut eye.

I speak from experience. My flat isn't ghetto, but yet still there is a mouse (or mice) who had found its way into our kitchen. Ok, could be worse...and it fact it is.

This has happened 3 or 4 times where I wake up to a scratching noise from inside the ceiling above my bed. Mind you, the vaulted ceiling is very low here in my room, so this mouse is literally separated by 1" of drywall from landing on my sleeping face. Shudder. As usual, find a graph best describes my situation.



I'm too scared to plant mouse traps, and have no real idea how I could catch one inside a wall anyway (our food is secure, so it's coming in from outside).

Completely irrelevant side note: anyone interested in visiting me and staying at my humble abode :)

Romantic Comedies

I saw a preview for a romantic comedy the other day. Looked formulaic, cheesy and only slightly funny. But...of course I immediately wanted to see it!

I knew the plot after about 10 seconds of the preview which made me ponder and eventually realize that romantic comedies really come down to one simple equation (click on image to read):

Now, I just need to get some funding from a studio, hire a few well known Hollywood faces, and make my fortune...

PS Yes, I did think of and make this chart myself. It took a long, long time to realize and articulate the complexities that are woven into this genre of motion pictures [sarcasm].

Ode to Sour Patch Kids

I follow a lot of blogs, and several of them are of my married friends, some who even have babies now days. Strange how time flies by.

Anyway, I've noticed how these folks get to post about about their wedding anniversary, birthdays or "firsts" for their babies and the like, and they share their happiness and love for them. It's touching, endearing and makes me think of my first love: sour patch kids.

Sour patch kids, I love you because

• you have a sour exterior, but really your sweet on the inside
• your so colorful and multi-faceted
• you're "a fat free food" which helps dispel any guilt in eating you
• you set a great example by always smiling even when if you're missing a limb or two
• you're like the giving tree: when people think you've given everything you can, there's still that pile of sour sugar at the bottom of the bag that brings enjoyment
• you never interrupt a movie we're watching together by talking, or even making that loud crunching sound like popcorn
• you're patriotic: as a loyal American, it's tough to find you outside of your homeland
• you've made me tough inside and out: through our years of being together I can now eat a whole bag and my tongue won't be raw, nor will I feel sick to my stomach

I love you sour patch kids! Thanks for being you.

Customer Service

When I call a phone help center

1. I pressed one to speak in English


2. I pressed 4 because I’m a current customer


3. I entered by 10 –digit account number


4. I entered the last 4 digits of my social security number


5. I pressed 7 because this was a billing issue


6. Entered the zip code on my billing address


7. Entered my 10 digit phone number


8. I pressed 0 about 15 times to try to skip the menu options and just talk to someone to no avail


9. I pressed 3 because the bill was overcharged


10. I pressed 2 because I had already paid the bill when I found the mistake


11. I pressed 1 because I wanted a refund of my overcharged bill


12. Waited on hold with a 60 second clip of elevator music looping for 8 minutes, only to be interrupted every 30 seconds with “Thank you for calling. We appreciate your patience. All of our customer service representatives are busy at the moment, please remain on the line and our first available representative will be with you shortly.”
    
13. Have the following conversation:

Brijesh: “Hi my name is Brijesh. Can I have your first and last name please?”
Me: “Shannon Marquardson”
Brijesh: “Thanks Ms Marquardson, are you a current customer with us?”
Me: “Yes.”
Brijesh: “Thanks Ms Marquardson, what can I help you with today?”
Me: “You overcharged me on my bill and I want a refund.”
Brijesh: “Ok Ms Marquardson. Let me pull up your details. Can you give me your 10 digit account number?”
Me: “Sure, it’s XXXXX-XXXXX”
Brijesh: “Thanks Ms Marquardson. Now please give me the last 4-digits of your social security number?”
Me: “Ok, it’s XXXX”
Brijesh: “Thanks Ms Marquardson. Now please give me your current mailing address.”
Me: “It’s XXXX”
Brijesh: “Thanks Ms Marquardson. And what is your current billing address including the zip code?”
Me: “It’s XXX”
Brijesh: “Thanks Ms Marquardson. And what’s your contact phone number on file?”
Me: “It’s XXXX”
Brijesh: “Thanks Ms Marquardson. Just a few more security questions. What’s your mother’s maiden name?”
Me: “It’s XXXX”
Brijesh: “Thanks Ms Marquardson. What’s your favorite flavor of ice cream, your childhood best friend’s middle name, the name of your first pet and the model of your first car?”
Me: “[Sigh] it’s XXXX, XXXX, XXXX and XXXX. That’s right Brijesh, my favorite ice cream flavor is not chocolate.”
Brijesh: “Thanks Ms Marquardson. Now please tell me, the amount of your last bill, the payment date of your last bill?”
Me: “It was XXX dollars, paid on XX.”
Brijesh: “Thanks Ms Marquardson. Let me finish pulling up your account details....[pause for 2 mintues]...Ms Marquardson, I'm sorry to say but it looks like our system is down so I can't adjust your bill. You'll have to call us back later. Thank you for calling."

*Note: OK, so this wasn't an actual conversation/situation. Just a compilation of many I've had.

Random Thoughts...Seriously

I read a really funny email the other day pointing out some funny things in life. I might forward it and go against my carnal rule of never forwarding email forwards...let me know if you want it.

Anyway, it got me thinking and here's my latest list of random life insights (written by me):

1. When I hear my ringtone in a car of people, I think “ah, someone else has my ringtone! They have good taste.” Then I realize it’s my phone.


2. When I have a bag of candy and someone asks for some, when I say “Sure, take as much as you’d like” I really mean "If you take more than three pieces, or a red one…I will be bitter.”


3. Whenever I walk confidently across the street, there’s always a stealthy cab that zips around the corner that promptly honks at me. Whenever I hesitate, the only thing coming around the corner is a street sweeper, but since I hesitated I feel the need to wait, as grannys in walkers pass me by and walk across.


4. I can’t understand people who put the toilet roll paper on backwards. It goes over the top people….com’on!


5. I’m always too impatient to use the hand blow dryer, so I wipe my wet hands on my jeans. Unfortunately that makes me look like an idiot with wet hand prints on my thighs. Apparently I haven’t learned my lesson that 30 seconds is worth it.


6. Why was the soap in school growing up the dry, gritty pink stuff. Was is really that much cheaper than liquid soap? It was probably just pink-dyed sand that scraped off your skin, and the germs with it. Anyone else have that stuff at school growing up?


7. Fact: bacon in the UK is always served raw. Seriously...raw. It makes me shudder to think of biting into a BLT sandwich and finding pure, raw gristle instead of crispy goodness.
8. I will never shake your hand if I see you picking at your feet in public. Yes, there are those who whip off their shoes at the earliest opportunity and play with/pick at their feet. [shudder]


9. Bugs fly in through an open window with so little effort yet it takes them hours of buzzing on the window to find the opening again.


10. Ipod headphones magically are in knots every time I get them out as if I had spent hours tangling them up when I took them off 20 seconds ago.


11. Scissors in packaging you need scissors to open. Seriously.



12. Internet phone help lines that tell you to go on their website.


13. Signs for blind people without braille on them. I've seen them.


14. When I grab a paper towel from the dispenser and ten automatically fall out, I put the extra ones the wet counter. Look at me trying to stop wasting and help the environment, as if someone will use wet towels from the counter...

A bad night's rest

What do you call daydreaming when it's at night? Night dreaming? Because last Thursday night I spend a solid 5 hour night dreaming about sleeping in a real bed instead of a bench at the airport. I shouldn't complain though since I got to spend the next four days in Rome :)

I promise pictures are to come. Let me say one thing though: if you haven't been, you should go.

Tip: Check out this link for the ins and outs to sleeping in airports! It's pretty neat. http://www.sleepinginairports.net/

Ok, so obviously this picture isn't of me. My situation was slightly better. I didn't have the anti-sleeping arm rests, but I was in a circular bench with half my body on the bench and the other on a few folding chairs. Ghetto.

Watch out...

Operation: RHB (Rock Hard Body) starts tomorrow. In one month, I'll be beach ready...for the beach on the Thames.

Oh, and on another note, Operation: Stop Procrastinating starts next week.

Animal Party = Wild

Birthday party this weekend for Hayley Smith was animal themed. Clearly, I felt the desire to dress up as my favorite animal: the Liger, bred for its skills in magic.

All you need is some hairspray, brown eye-liner and 2 pound leopard leg-warmers from Primark.

I don't talk to people when I'm walking up stairs

...and this is why.


It's been established, by a reputable source (me), that my shortness of breath increases at a higher rate then the average person. Thus, leading to my hitting the "embarrassment" threshold much faster than the average person. For the visual learners, here's a graph to show you what I mean:

Unfortunately this leads to awkwardness. There are a lot of stairs here in London. I thought I was done with the fake-coughing or ask-the-other-person-a-question-so-you-don't-have-to-talk stage when I left Brigham Young University and it's campus that is on a hill (dear Tanner building...you with all your stairs). Ah, those were the days: trying to flirt with that cute guy from Bio on your walk to class whilst stifling your huffing and puffing.

PS Yes, I did say whilst. It sounds so proper.

Whiteness

I was once told my skin color is a 3 on a scale of 1 to 10: 1 being Albino, 10 being an olive-toned caucasian. Obviously this was from a fellow market researcher, hence the numbered scale, and no there wasn’t bias since said person didn’t know I could hear him :)

I’ve lived with white skin all my life that no amount of sun will change (unless it means to red). Trust me people, I just don’t get tan. No, seriously. Trust me. And yes, I know it. Thankfully the comments of “wow, you’re white” subsided in childhood. Apparently adults don’t feel the need to point out the obvious. Adults know that a) I have looked in the mirror once or twice in my life, b) I have looked at the color of my arms before even without a mirror once or twice in my life and c) I’m not colorblind and even if I was I would still be able to tell that I am white, so I don’t need a reminder of the degree of my paleness.

Anyway, the good news about all this is that I went to a pool party the other Saturday and of the caucasians in the group, I was average! That’s right folks, I’m normal here and I didn’t need a slathering of fake tan to feel comfortable wearing shorts.

While I might sound bitter or overly focused on the color of my skin, I’m really not. I’ve accepted it and while I may venture to do the mystic fake tan booth once in a blue moon, I’m saving myself the hassle of fake-tan-stained sheets and possible orange tinted skin while I’m here in London, home of the English Rose. Furthermore, I find comfort that in the 1200s in China, I would be deemed as Nobility for my shade of skin.

I’ve always thought China in the 1200s would suit me well. Especially if "fatter" was in back then. Ugh. Why was I born in 1984? Maybe because I couldn't live without modern appliances like toilets...

Anne Hathaway in Bride Wars with the bad fake tan blues.

4th of July London Style

I'm pretty proud. Not just of America (I love you!), but also of my sign of mockery I had the guts to make and take pictures with at Buckingham Palace.

Poster board = 3 pounds; Markers = 5 pounds, Making the sign = 1 hr. Amazing photo op on the 4th = priceless.

Side 1:

Side 2:

Also, on another note, I've finally gotten around to downloading some of my pics. With the amazingly hot weather here (which becomes oppressive/unbearable heat in the tubes), I've had a chance to roam around the city every day after work this past week. The parks are crowded, there was a free opera broadcast in Trafalgar Square. Needless to say, I'm enjoying the long days with great weather. If only there was air-conditioning (coming to tubes summer 2010!)

Tower Bridge (NOT London Bridge)

Oxford Circus all lit up at night:

St Paul's:

Door the salon where the Queen herself has her hair done. Just kidding...this is just a very red door.

The Houses of Parliament after a really beautiful sunset. Unfortunately, this pic doesn't do it justice. Sorry, I just don't have the skills yet. I do have other skills, like bow-hunting skills, computer hacking skills...

Southbank

London Eye

Hyde Park

Fashion Tips

London as one of the leading fashion capitals in the world has opened my eyes to the trends of the future. Thank goodness for my iphone so I was easily able to capture these cutting edge fashions.


The Mullet. Yes, it's been resurrected. The business in the front, party in the back is now a preferred hairstyle for women. Takes half as long to do when your getting ready in the morning too, since only half of your hair needs any styling! Truly, a classic and manageable style for all.




While women are going short, men are going long. When sporting the "girl in 3rd grade circa 1990" look, be sure to top it off with a thin headband. Also, hair of this length must be kept in healthy condition, and have a lovely softness to it; never be outdone by a woman! Our model makes sure to draw attention to his style, by twirling said hair around his fingers and stroking it often.






The Velvet Cape. Provides a sense of mystery and intrigue, especially when you wrap it around yourself like your in a cocoon. While not all may be able to handle this fashion on the 120 degree tube trains, our brave model makes the sacrifice for style. Topping the look off with a be-jeweled NY Yankees hat (not pictured) is optional.

They're Magically Delicious

Yes, it's true. Chatting with a few people from Ireland, I found out on Sunday that Lucky Charms are not sold in Ireland. Shocking, and yet saddening at the same time.

Why don't they enjoy this sugary goodness you ask? Here's how the conversation went:

Irish person #1: "Yea, we don't have Lucky Charms in Ireland. They introduced it a few years ago, but it never caught on."

Irish person #2: "I remember that. No one got them because it was just pure sugar."

Me, thinking: "And pure sugar cereal is bad because...."

Irish person #3: "Right, I mean, who wants marshmallows in their cereal."

Me, thinking: "Uh, because that's the best part! I eat all those other things first so I can end on a high point of marshmallow goodness in my bowl."

I listened to this, then proudly admitted that Lucky Charms is my favorite cereal. I've been dedicated to it since day 1. I remember when all the different shapes were introduced: the horseshoe, the rainbow, the balloon, the pot of gold, the four leaf clover hat, the shooting star (for a complete history, read this.)

Oh you silly Irish. When will you see the light???

Lessons on Being Cool

More tips and tricks I've learned in life, especially in London. Since I'm such a cool person, here's a list of ways to keep your "I'm cool" image, or at least salvage what you can when faced with very non-cool situations:

1. If you trip on the stairs, or sidewalk, just start running. Hopefully you can turn the corner and then slow down, but if not just keep going.


2. If you're lost and realize your headed the wrong way, don't just stop and make an immediate 180. You have two options: (a) Feign a phone call, stop walking and create a one-way conversation like this: "Oh hey....oh you're at THAT pub...yea, sounds good....no I'm close by, I just passed it, I'll meet you there..." NOTE: make sure you switch your ringer to silent. Don't want it ringing when your already "on a call." (b) Find some steps near by, or a bench if possible. Look confidence, as in yes, I was striding along the street to purposefully stop right at this spot. Just sit there until all familiar fellow pedestrians have left and leave the direction you came.


3. When eating alone, check your watch or your phone frequently. No need to actually speed up your dinner for one at McDonalds on a Saturday night, but as long as people think you have somewhere to be or people to meet up with, you'll look cool.


4. If you ever do legitimately need to run to catch a bus or train, fake a slight coughing fit so you have a legitimate excuse to catch your breath. No...you're not out of shape, you're just coming down with a slight cold.


5. When someone asks you for directions on the street, look confident and speak decidedly. They'll never see you again, so if the number 8 bus isn't the right one, you'll never know and you'll still have the satisfaction of helping someone. Plus people around you will think you're nice local.


6. When you get distracted and miss your tube stop and need to back track, walk slowly along the platform until your previous train has passed so no one sees you just walking to the other side of the platform.


7. Wearing iPod headphones at almost all times is key, especially while on public transportation. But, be sure you have easy access to the volume control: you don't want to be caught in sudden silence on the train when there's a signal failure and have "Mmmm Bop" blasting loud enough for others to hear.


8. Resist the urge to laugh at men who fall asleep and snore on the tube. If you do not, you will get a case of the giggles, which is like laughing during church or a funeral: it's not funny which is exactly why you can't stop laughing aaand everyone will look at you as a curiously odd person.

I'm Living at a Summer Camp

Top 11 Reasons Why I'm Living at a Summer Camp:

1. It's cold in my house. Very cold (except when it's hot outside, then it's hot in my house). Even my fellow renters who've lived here for years are walking around with their winter parkas on when it's in the upper 40s outside, so I'm not just some wuss from California. I can't wait for the winter time when it gets even colder.
2. I hand wash all my dishes because there is no dishwasher.
3. Windows are constantly open, which is probably part of the cause for item 1. One roommate likes fresh air, but bundles up herself. Hummm... Anyway, this has resulted in: a GIANT spider and a GIANT moth in the bathroom. The spider I got the guts to throw out the window with a piece of paper [shudder]. I couldn't sleep leaving it be, just in case it dropped on my head from the ceiling the next morning while I was in the shower [shudder]. The moth prevented me from using the toilet last night before bed. I wasn't about to be trapped in a small room with a locked door in such a vulnerable position with that beast flying around my head...
4. The toilet seat is very, very cold (see item 3) and gives me goosebumps when I need to use it. Sorry for the detail, but it needed to be said.
5. My shower is tiny, and uses a portable water heater, kind of like the ones you stick a quarter in every 5 minutes for hot water.
6. I hang my clothes to dry, which means they're always damp, cold and stiff when they're clean. I'm beginning to think that washing clothes is optional.
7. Most of the lighting consists of old florescent bulbs; you can hear them slightly buzzing when they're on.
8. Every sink has two faucets: one for hot and one for cold. The hot one usually burns you after about 10 seconds, so I often wash my hands/face with cold water.
9. I still feel like I'm living out of a suitcase: every attempt to "move in" or "clean my room" really just means reshuffling my two boxes of things, or reorganizing my pile of clothes that have no place to go.
10. My mattress is oooold. While it's better than a 2" piece of foam like when you're out in the woods, I can feel the springs. For those of you who have followed my blog, you know I have an obsession for comfortable bedding.
11. There is a mouse in the kitchen. Seriously. It's not that scared of people either. Seriously.

Reason #11 evidenced itself tonight. [Shudder]

PS: I know this may sound like I'm complaining, and I sort of am, but there are still plenty of good things about being here in London. I'll save that for another post :)

The Process for Procuring Any Goods in the UK

MEMO

To: anyone thinking of moving to the UK

Cc: Anyone thinking of visiting the UK

Re: Step-by-step Procurement Instructions and Timeline

Note: Click on the picture to englarge

PS I know I'm a nerd. I love lists, graphs, flow charts etc